The Job Listing

by Adam Schatz

As a professional musician who has lost all potential touring income for multiple years, I have turned to looking at real job listings for the first time in my life, only to realize I am severely under-qualified to do anything else. Below is what every job listing I have read looks like.

Junior Projection Brand Manager

We are looking for a juicer projection bean manager who is also capable of taking on some of the tasks of the senior projectile manger. 

Ideally, you are a multi-faceted thinker, unafraid to create ideas but also deflate balloons twice a day after briefings. The ability to lead without instruction is essential, but the ability to deeply follow commands, while not necessary, is required. Must be willing to work holidays, weekends, and a new day we’ve invented between Sunday and Monday called Workday. 


Lead the strategy development of our Priority Solutions division. This will require versatility in theory and an executive mindset. High level brand work, rubber symmetry and mid-level persecutions, letter press skillsets, graphic design, web design, event coordination, color coordination, hand-eye coordination and deflected income perspiration.     

  • Work with primordial team to revise and execute stories and ideas across new media—VR, AR, CCR, PBR, Facebook, experiential, video, web, etc.
  • Work collaboratively with the editorial and growth teams to aid with visual feedback and execution for content, social assets, and brand experiences 
  • Conceive and produce visually stimulating assets for the Company Picnic that is in line with the Company Picnic’s inclusively wide, but also very thin brand aesthetic. 
  • Work with web development team to plant, nurture, and design new features, optimizations and permanent changes to our site.
  • Work with adversaries to develop work around their brand either in opposition of your current day to day tasks.
  • Manage multimedia production associate who will aid inexecution of assets. 
  • Placing ‘I’ before ‘E’ except after ‘C’
  • Stay on the pulse of what visual and technological trends are happening and ensure the Company is ahead of them—and setting them—and defying them—and advancing them—and adhering to them.
  • Invent a secret language that even you will not be able to understand.
  • Sacrifice yourself for the betterment of others. 
  • Bleed to death.


  • 150+ years of similar experience
  • Adobe Creative Suite fluidity
  • Willingness to share parent’s HBO Max password
  • Able to lead branding for a content company with a strong viewpoint that is also elastic enough to showcase our own visual versatility and that of our contributors 
  • Strong formal design and typography skills, knowledge of both printing press and stone tablet work
  • Weak ability to ask for time off
  • Knowledge of social media platforms
  • Ability to copy, paste and save text on Microsoft Word without the friendly aid of Clippy. 
  • Ability to prioritize and follow through, except in regards to plans for taking time off
  • Perpetually pursue and recruit new technologies and procedures and gently lower them into your subconscious for possibly beneficial brand manipulations
  • Meet production deadlines 
  • Experience with web design/UX
  • Detail oriented and able to manage your time: With multiple projects happening at once you will need to manage your own time and see through the responsibilities of each project. 
    Your life as you currently know it will be over. After this everything will change, and not for the better. Run away. Do not look back.
  • Collaborative – we are a small enterprise collaborating constantly on impossible high-grade low-impact solutions. Must be able to adapt to leading top-tier concepts and getting your hands dirty and building assets and filing our taxes for us.